Senators from New York and New Jersey Call for Increased Regulation of Model Airplanes
WASHINGTON DC (BS) - In a hastily convened news conference, two Senators from New York and New Jersey called for increased regulation of model airplanes. This was in response to a new world's record being set on Monday by a 11 pound, GPS guided model aircraft that flew non-stop from Newfoundland, Canada to Ireland on about five and a half pounds of fuel. Flying at 500 feet altitude at a speed of around 40 miles per hour, the model airplane periodically sent its position and other information via a satellite link to the airplane builders on both sides of the Atlantic. The progress of the record making flight was posted to the internet and followed by thousands of people in North America and Europe.
Standing next to a large, somewhat beat up model airplane, the two Senator's stated: "This just proves that we must control who sells model airplane fuel and who buys it. Its now possible for terrorists inside and outside our borders to bomb our citizens at will, guided by our own military navigation satellites. No one is safe from terrorist model airplanes and their deadly cargoes of nuclear, biological, and chemical weapons."
Noting that a commercial GPS receiver was used as the position input to the autopilot, the Senator from New York called for restrictions on the production and licensing of GPS receivers that could output data in any form. "After all, this system was designed by the Department of Defense for military purposes, and funded by the American people. This GPS technology, if in the wrong hands, could spell disaster for the free world. Its ironic that our own DoD systems could be used against us" he stated. "We must prevent that from happening at all costs".
During a question and answer period, the senators said they had been tipped off to this urgent development by an "unnamed source at the Department of Justice", whom also provided the model airplane on display which was "Fished out of a trash dumpster by an unnamed undercover agent in an unnamed area where there are unnamed terrorist cells backed by unnamed terrorist organizations financed by unnamed foreign individuals in unnamed foreign locations".
Word of the successful North Atlantic flight was corroborated by a very reliable source at high levels within the Bureau of Tobacco, Alcohol, Firearms, and Explosives. When pressed about licensing of model airplane fuel, apparently the BATFE official declined to volunteer his agency citing "recent dramatic increases in field and licensing center workloads". But, he did suggest that the Federal Aviation Administration could use their aircraft maintenance inspectors to perform this vital function.
"However, the good news is the high ranking BATFE official promised in the spirit of government partnership to see what he could do about adding model airplane fuel to their "special list" without having to go through all that unnecessary and time consuming notice of proposed rule making stuff, and we view that as a very positive and supportive response in the fight against terrorism" said the New Jersey Senator. As a matter of fact, we are thinking seriously about increasing their appropriation next year.
The BATFE official also suggested that special 10 gauge steel storage containers with five tumbler high security locks be required to ensure the security of this "previously unregulated highly flammable and extremely dangerous toxic substance", and that the containers be inspected yearly for compliance. The New Jersey Senator went on to state "However, in the interests of being fair and easing the regulatory burden, we are prepared to allow the storage of up to two ounces of model airplane fuel without a special high security storage container, as long as the airplane fuel cannot be physically poured into a model airplane fuel tank with a capacity of more than two ounces. Everyone agrees this is a reasonable risk tradeoff, and in fact it is being quite generous in this high threat environment. All that remains to be solved is the engineering problem".
The Senator from New York added that his staff had posted a special page on his web site containing information "gotten off the internet" which details how liquids such as model airplane fuel could be used to make firebombs out of pop bottles and rags. "We ought to be calling for more regulation of all flammable liquids, not less!" he stated. "And the New York City Fire Chief is all for it!"
A member of the crowd pointed out that there were already state and Federal laws with severe penalties for illegal acts involving flammable liquids, such as arson and terrorist actions in general. He also pointed out that the government's own data showed model airplane fuel was not used in firebombings. The Senator from New York replied that "Hey, the facts really don't matter when folks are scared and want to see some action, any action".
At that point a few hecklers were forcibly removed.
After a short break, the Senator from New Jersey also stated he had contacted a senior level FAA official about starting the new "Model Airplane Patriot Pilot and Fuel Licensing Program", which would require fingerprints, a photo, a full background check, a personal interview, and a nominal $100 fee, and a 3 to 6 month waiting period while the paperwork was being processed. The Senator stated "Unfortunately, the response from the FAA was not a warm one", and as a result they planned to take this urgent action to the full Senate as soon as the summer recess was over.
Asked if there was bound to be any resistance in committee or on the floor, the Senator from New York chimed "There are a couple of unpatriotic colleagues out in the western states that will probably resist this urgent action, but hey, those guys would object to New York taxes and bridge tolls, too. They will undoubtedly get a poorly staffed letter drafted by a junior BATFE attorney who doesn't understand the issues, and it will be signed by one of John Ashcroft's deputies who is also too uninformed to know he should send it back for correction. If he ever figures it out after the fact he will be professionally embarrassed. Oh well, the letter is really for effect anyway and we don't really expect them to pay much attention to it."
"As a matter of fact" he continued, "the FAA may try and end-run us on this one and find a couple of sympathetic Republican legislators on the West Coast to stage a press conference and get an article in the LA Times. Yes, we all know Federal Agencies aren't supposed to lobby Congress, but you know how those guys can be sometimes!"
In response to a follow-on question from a New York Times correspondent about GPS data, the Senator from New Jersey clarified "What we are talking about is making sure GPS cant be used by the bad guys, and yes, that means you can still buy a $90 GPS at Wal-Mart but the display and any other data output will not work until you receive a special registered electronic token issued by the FBI". We are proposing a new GPS program that will not be burdensome, "All it will take is fingerprints, a photo, a full background check, a personal interview, and a nominal $100 fee, and a 3 to 6 month waiting period while the paperwork is processed". He quickly added "When not in use, only the GPS token will be required to be locked in at least a Class 3 safe to prevent theft, there will be no need to lock up the GPS itself". This program "will ensure the legitimate needs of hikers and other GPS users are met while fully protecting the public".
Breaking from the usual journalistic restraint, the New York Times correspondent commented "Senators, your new program sounds extremely reasonable, and will certainly ensure the protection of all patriotic Americans". Chuckling, the Senator from New Jersey remarked "Now that sounds to me like a great editorial disguised as a news".
The Senator from New York stated "Folks, really, we are being quite generous in our proposed program And more importantly, at this point our constituents are under the impression that through our highly aggressive and very visible actions in the area of regulating model airplanes and GPS units sold at Wal-Mart that we are actually making real, substantial progress in the world-wide battle against terrorism. I am sure you will all agree".
Wrapping up the news conference, the Senator from New Jersey stated "Please note that we are still allowing an unlimited amount of magnetic compasses and long rubber bands for windup model airplanes to be sold, purchased, and stored without a license. That covers about 97% of the Boy Scouts and about
80% of the model airplanes flown. We think that is quite reasonable."This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.....if this had been a real test, you would have been instructed to stick your head between your legas and kiss your arse goodbye......
Now back to your regularly scheduled programs.....
shockie B)