Last Night I Had the Strangest Dream (long)

Hello. I've been extraordinarily depressed since we bought our house November 24th, 2004, and many of you have noticed my writing going to pieces
while I did.
Well, I'm on my way back.
I'm sure you remember:
Last night I had the strangest dream I'd ever had before. I dreamed that all the nations Had put an end to war.
Well, as a child of the sixties, born just before they started, these words have special meaning for me.
You see, I am a pacifist: I cannot kill no matter what the justification and don't believe in the death penalty. I am also an idealist; I believe in perfection and that it can be attained. I am also an atheist; I believe that personifying Nature into Deity is selfish. I am also a pluralist; I believe in your right to be a soldier, a realist, a devout Christian or a member of another religion, and to hold the corresponding beliefs tenaciously and to say I am wrong. Heterodoxy is comfortable for me.
As long as you don't pull my antennae.
Let me explain. The dream I had started when I imagined committing some unspeakable act against my Teri, my lover, my housemate, the co-owner of the apartment I am sitting in as I write this. Like many dreams, the hypnogogic portion is not remembered. A psychiatrist, who looked a lot like one I'd known, declared me to be a hazard to self and others, captured me (not exactly with a net), _drilled a hole in my head_, and injected medication into my brain with a little plastic bottle, splashing against my dura, explaining it was going to help me.
Now, I am already schizophrenic (I have a schizoaffective disorder likely induced by street drugs just after high school), and so figured no matter what this guy gave me, there was always the chance it might help some, and I'd already recognized I'd done something awful, so I submitted, figuring I would just fight out the effects of the drug rather than its administration. It was an interesting drug!
The drug gave the psychiatrist in the dream the power to suggest the content of hallucinations for me to experience. There were several, but I can't list them because at that point the dream went hypnopompic, and I soon awakened and told Teri about it. After months of depression, feeling impotent about not having all my tools and projects out and ready, growing depressed from the inactivity, getting angry at myself for having sooooo much "stuff", feeling guilty for taking up space in the apartment and even the world without showing anything for it (anything creative), I remembered, in the dream, something I had said to my therapist about hallucinations.
"I've never had a hallucination although I had experienced visual distortions with LSD, and I kind of work on the principle that it's OK for me to see you as a big green bug as long as I don't pull your antennae!"
So I am also a representationalist; I believe reality is mutable. If you've never tried LSD, don't try it; we need you the way you are, but if you have, you know what I mean.
I do not believe truth is mutable but I'm no Descartes and I just figure, like reality, truth has got to be whatever we can agree on. Like the mind-body dualism, most of us think of a duality between living and nonliving matter and figure one can't be transformed into the other.
I don't believe in this. Remember I'm an idealist so I believe in miracles, too: the transmutation of water into wine, the resurrection of the dead, and recovery from the most challenging circumstances. Teri has been shuttling me to Home Depot lately, for us to accomplish what would seem to be impossible: fitting two people and all their stuff into an apartment no larger than Teri's old apartment. (We do have a patio now, so all together it's a little larger.) I was in 400 square feet, in public housing, and Teri had a nice third floor two bedroom apartment of 700, so we were 1100 square feet, and now we are crammed into 700.
Realizing how important it is to me to be active with tools and in contact with "stiff" physical reality on a daily basis came after I realized it was a problem for all my stuff to be in boxes and unavailable to me. In the last two weekends, I have installed 80 linear feet of shelving using John Sterling Fast-Trak hardware here inside the apartment, and we have at least 40 more to go to get the storage we need. Finally, in the dream, facing a terrifying hallucination, I realized that I was ready to resume my work on self-reproducing machine tools, a gray area between living and non-living matter.
So the plan I have is to see if I can use hallucination as a tool, to reassert my right to see the people I meet as big green bugs as long as I don't pull their antennae, and to resume work on self-reproducing machine tools with an emphasis on Usenet and web documentation this time, because finally the computer is in the same house as the tools.
To be specific, I intend to explore the ways in which bare DC motors fitted with suitable controllers can self-upgrade to various forms of machine tool as described in the post to sci.physics.research titled Symmetrical Machine Tools, explore the ways in which humorous answers to the intimidating questions that arise in conversations can lead me in a return to polyamory, and explore the ways these two efforts fit together. Having an utterly outrageous project to be working on is central to my character, central to my experience of other people.
Anything I've written since October 24th, the day we made the offer on the apartment, can be written off as stress-induced. I hope I haven't permanently offended anybody.
I am (mostly) baaaack!
Yours,
Doug Goncz Replikon Research Falls Church, VA 22044-0394
Add pictures here
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload

(snip)
Welcome back, Doug!
Add pictures here
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
Hey Doug,
Keep up the good fight. This latest missive is very structured and easy for us to follow, and seems more lucid than a few of the past. Hmmm.... I'd like to say recently rather than past, but you haven't been on RCM for some time now, or at least not that I've noted.
Take care.
Brian Lawson, Bothwell, Ontario.
ps... I just noticed that the very last message I wrote, just a moment ago, was to "Doug", and it was a smiley and cheer-up type, as he is down in the dumper a bit too. That Doug is my brother though. Some of his problems are just his mid-life kicking in I think. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX On Mon, 9 May 2005 05:55:16 -0400, "DGoncz 22044-0394"

Add pictures here
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
DGoncz 22044-0394 wrote:
-- snip --

If you have access to IEEE publications take a look at the latest Spectrum (probably June). It has an article on the probable future of "fabbers" -- small, tabletop fabrication machines that work like 3-D solid-modeling machines, only that make actual product.
It had some interesting things to say. Apparently there's serious University work going on in this subject, but I'm skeptical about the ubiquity proposed by the article (fabbers in every home, that would have the raw materials necessary to make anything). I suspect that if such things _do_ come about in my lifetime they'll be something that lives in little shops in malls, and you have to go pick up your stuff.
They probably don't fit your vision, but a colony of robots gathering material for a fabber that lives at the center might do it -- and has been proposed, in fact, in at least one science fiction short that I've read.
--

Tim Wescott
Wescott Design Services
  Click to see the full signature.
Add pictures here
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload

pieces
It's good to see you back. I've been reading med journal articles on schiz (I've been editing patient info on some new drugs), and it's looking very much better than it did just a few years ago. So good luck to you.
Keep it simple. Enjoy the here-and-now.
-- Ed Huntress
Add pictures here
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
    --I used to be a pacifist. I got over it the second time I was mugged.. ;-)
--
"Steamboat Ed" Haas : The other night I
Hacking the Trailing Edge! : dreamed about wasabi...
  Click to see the full signature.
Add pictures here
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload

    Glad to hear it.
    [ ... ]

    Great!
    [ ... ]

    Nope -- though I must admit to not being able to completely read some of those postings.

    And please *stay* back.
    Good Luck,         DoN
--
Email: < snipped-for-privacy@d-and-d.com> | Voice (all times): (703) 938-4564
(too) near Washington D.C. | http://www.d-and-d.com/dnichols/DoN.html
  Click to see the full signature.
Add pictures here
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
DGoncz 22044-0394 wrote:

OK for

antennae!"
you've
you have,

What came to mind was, in conversations with people, I could say things like "You're a _nice_ bug" affectionately and that this would help me return to polyamory.
You see, the affective part of my disorder makes my speech and actions flat, and this would give me a way of expressing myself. When asked a question about my personal life, one which, as a schizophrenic, was frightening, like "What's your birthday?" or "Do you work?", I'd have an answer. I'd use this license to hallucinate to reply "I am as old as the stars" or "I'm working under a grant from the federal government (benefits) to research ways of colonizing space (using self-reproducing machine tools)." It'd be a way of avoiding the horrifyingly dull conversation that normally spills out of me because I am operating under so many imperatives, like "Not telling the whole truth is the moral equivalent of lying." or "If you can't say something positive, don't say anything at all."
So much mental baggage. More than the average bug.
Usenet is comfortable for me because it gives me the time to compose replies to questions. In person conversation doesn't give me that time. What you get here is generally pretty much the straight poop, unaffected by being rushed and not subject to delusion.
It'd be strictly for fun. At some point the truth would out. But it'd put some sparkle into my conversation. Not exactly a cover story, but a way of presenting the facts in a positive light.
Like the Great Wall of Composers at WGMS, classical 103.5, one of my favorite radio stations, this would be a mental construct, a fantasy. But how to turn it into a reality, I just don't know. It's not like throwing a switch. It requires consistent effort.
--Doug
Add pictures here
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
Well, I am having some success being out.
I haven't used any of these fantasy talking points, but in the grocery store, I started a conversation with a woman buying ice cream by saying "Don't worry, calcium is good for you." She replied "I want something but I don't know what." When I locked up, she said "It's OK. That was a good line.", winked and wandered away.
And I played guitar on the picnic bench behind the library. A couple of women walking by said the music was good.
Thing are starting to happen. Coincidences. Opportunities.
Yours,
Doug
Add pictures here
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
DGoncz 22044-0394 wrote:

OK for

antennae!"
you've
you have,

What came to mind was, in conversations with people, I could say things like "You're a _nice_ bug" affectionately and that this would help me return to polyamory.
You see, the affective part of my disorder makes my speech and actions flat, and this would give me a way of expressing myself. When asked a question about my personal life, one which, as a schizophrenic, was frightening, like "What's your birthday?" or "Do you work?", I'd have an answer. I'd use this license to hallucinate to reply "I am as old as the stars" or "I'm working under a grant from the federal government (benefits) to research ways of colonizing space (using self-reproducing machine tools)." It'd be a way of avoiding the horrifyingly dull conversation that normally spills out of me because I am operating under so many imperatives, like "Not telling the whole truth is the moral equivalent of lying." or "If you can't say something positive, don't say anything at all."
So much mental baggage. More than the average bug.
Usenet is comfortable for me because it gives me the time to compose replies to questions. In person conversation doesn't give me that time. What you get here is generally pretty much the straight poop, unaffected by being rushed and not subject to delusion.
It'd be strictly for fun. At some point the truth would out. But it'd put some sparkle into my conversation. Not exactly a cover story, but a way of presenting the facts in a positive light.
Like the Great Wall of Composers at WGMS, classical 103.5, one of my favorite radio stations, this would be a mental construct, a fantasy. But how to turn it into a reality, I just don't know. It's not like throwing a switch. It requires consistent effort.
--Doug
Add pictures here
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
Doug, I have strange dreams too, particularly if I take 'Advil' before going to sleep.
My strange dreams usually regard being seriously late for work for a job that I retired from 10 years earlier, or being back in college and learning that the final exam for a subject in which I had not yet studied was scheduled for later that morning. Another variation involves not being able to find my car, or even being able to remember where I had parked it.
Advil is very beneficial in relieving joint pains, but it can create dreams that are amazingly realistic and when you wake up it takes a while to realize if you are really awake or still in some dream state.
Kindest regards, Harry C.
Add pictures here
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
These are better called nightmares. I have been tortured by nightmares my entire life. Many involve transportation, e.g. nearly missing a plane, authority, e.g. getting arrested by police, dislocation, e.g. not being able to find my way to my dorm room, or unpreparedness, e.g. not being ready for a test.
Sometimes they are quite troubling...

Add pictures here
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
snipped-for-privacy@yahoo.com wrote: <snip>

state.
Harry, is that what they call lucid dreaming?
--Doug
Add pictures here
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
Welcome back, Doug!
Looks like some of your dreams are coming true. http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/robots_dc
--Winston
Add pictures here
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
Doug, I don't know about you, but I've moved 4 times in my life, and each time it took nearly 4 years before I really felt at home and comfortable in the house vs. living in a motel.
It wasn't until I had repaired a zone valve on the furnace, replaced the water heater, and built an office/workshop for myself in the basement that I began to feel at home where I have now lived since 1980.
The depression that you now feel on moving into a new home is perfectly normal. It will vanish when you start to modify/customize the house to meet your personal wants and personality. Making yourself a private office/workshop/den is an excellent place to begin.
Kindest regards, Harry C.
Add pictures here
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload

Polytechforum.com is a website by engineers for engineers. It is not affiliated with any of manufacturers or vendors discussed here. All logos and trade names are the property of their respective owners.