18 years ago
rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside
of Ares Vallis on Saturday. Appearing at a press conference today,
General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that "the object was, in fact, a
harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft".
The story broke late Saturday night when a major stationed at nearby
Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Gusev Crater Daily Record with
a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came
down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several times before coming to a
stop, and "deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases." Minutes
later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record
telepathically to contradict the earlier report.
General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a
detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant
fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general
public has been slow to accept the Air Force's explanation of recent
events, preferring to speculate on the "other-worldly" nature of the
crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's statements
as evidence of "an obvious government cover-up," pointing out that Mars
has no swamps. They point to the release of secret government memos
detailing attempts to discredit reports of the landings by alien space
craft. The memos discuss strategies to avoid troubles similar to those
caused by the War of the Worlds radio program of years ago. The
program, which featured a sensational story of gigantic oxygen
breathing two-eyed invaders from Earth, sparked planet wide panic.
Local residents like Driv Rhodo, who lives in the area of the alleged
landings, are even more skeptical. "I seen it with my own 5 eyes"
claimed Rhodo last week. "I've lived here over 300 years, most of my
adult life-form. Them things used to be few and far between but lately
they come in every few years or so. The government wants to bury the
truth but I can tell you what's real. The Earthlings are going to
invade and the government is spending our hard earned tax dollars on
press releases and denials instead of preparing for the battle to
come." A spokesthing denied any government involvement in the
disappearance of Rhodo, who has not been seen since shortly after the
interview, claiming "Any sentient being knows that a planet with the
concentrations of water and oxygen found on Earth is a deadly and
inhospitable environment for the formation of life, much less
intelligent life. The fear and consternation caused by the unfounded
and wild speculations of citizens like Rhodo are a traitorous
disservice to the citizens of Mars."