Heaviest Element Yet Known to Science Discovered
1/4/2010 - From AP News Report
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has announced the discovery of the
heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, known as
Governmentium (GV), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy
neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of
312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which
are surrounded by vast quantities of other particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. It is easily
detectible, however, due to its unusual characteristic of impeding almost
every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of
Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a
second to take up to 4 years to complete.
In the announcement, the laboratory stated that the new element has a
normal half-life of 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy
neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass actually increases
over time, since each reorganization causes more neutrons to become morons,
causing one of the known variants of the new element, called an isodope.
This characteristic of moronic promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.
While Governmentium typically slows reactions, it can cause rapid
decomposition of tax revenues. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium
becomes Administratium, an element that radiates significant noise as it
uses taxpayer funds to convert Gold (AU) into Lead (PB). After analysis,
this characteristic was determined to be caused by the fact that
Administratium has half as many peons but twice as many morons.