Way OT: continuing saga of life after loss of lifemate

Yesterday was a good day. Today was a rough one even though it was a gorgeous day.

Daughter Karen and I went up to walk the river trail in Coon Rapids today, this after she'd already had her morning run. Turned out the Mississippi is high enough that my favorite part of that trail was a couple of feet under water. There is a back trail but it's not paved and it was a little squishy for a few hundred yards. No big deal. I need better shoes that don't leak. That trail is nicer when the trees are green. Still got my hour, about 3 miles. I dreaded the hill going in but actually found it less difficult than last year. I just need to pace myself, not try to keep up with young adults in marathon condition.

Karen will return to Denver on Monday evening. I've been anxious about how I'd cope with being alone all day every day forever after that. I don't feel ready for that. I was doing fine and coping happily living alone while Mary was in the rehab facility, even thought I thought I'd like an evening "off" a few times (but only did that once) but being alone now seems so very different. Mary's close friend Mary Jane said she had a similar experience: happily lived alone for 30 years, then lost her job and had to move in with her mom, then her mom died somewhat suddenly after just a few years (at age 90 something) and MJ was devastated by the loss.

MJ will stop by tomorrow afternoon to maybe glom some of "the McCann woman's" yarn. She can have all she wants. She was a special friend.

I'm sure my family has been telling me this repeatedly, but it finally penetrated my cranial rock today (while en route to Wal-Mart alone) that I need not be alone every day forever and damn me if I do that! I could spend some evenings and maybe even some overnights with Dave or Kev 'n Kelsy, return to my base during daytimes to do whatever I might do that day. In addition to local family, I have a few good friends in the area: Schnells, Carpenters, my good neighbors, etc for encounters like occasional activities or maybe just meals together at my place or theirs.

Things that seem obvious to most observers can be incomprehensible to an otherwise competent senior afflicted with nearly paralyzing grief. Everyone says that it's reasonable to expect that my dependency and frailty will diminish as time goes on. Finally starting to believe that doesn't diminish the pain but it helps a lot to dispell the terror. Only time can heal the pain. I've certainly healed before, but it's definitely harder to heal alone and/or when older.

I have little will to live except to defer the pain my eventual departure will cause family I love dearly, but I must try to heal for them. We all must depart eventually but they're not nearly done with me yet. From a purely selfish perspective, I could be done now. I've had a very good life after not expecting to live past age 24 back in the day. And wouldn't one gentle, melodious-voiced, courageous, cheerfully-game-to-the-last-hour M. K McCann be disgusted with me if I rolled over and died? "Seriously, Foreman?"

Ain't gonna happen. I've decided that my chosen method of self-destruction would be to resume smoking. They told me in 2008 that I'd be gone within a year if I did that. Drop dead heart attack. Not a bad way to go, other than stinking and seriously disappointing a bunch of family. I'm Dad, supposed to exemplify character and lead from in front. Some days are easier than others. I guess I was a good Dad because my family is amazingly on my six now. Writing about my experience is cathartic for me because the discipline of trying to write well helps me sort things out. Thanks to those who encourage me to do so WAY OFF TOPIC in this forum.

Reply to
Don Foreman
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I selfishly hope I drop dead before my wife. My dad is 91, Mom died

10 years ago. One of my sisters lives with him, and we have a large extended family nearby, one right across the road (I've got 45 first cousins). I know he thrives now on visiting. You'd never know he was a social critter, but he is. He makes most big family gatherings and barbeques. I've even got him here to Georgetown a couple times, which is about 4 hours from his house, and more than he cares to travel any more.

I know he went through the same grief that you're going through, and we all went through our own. Even years later, some memory will pop up and I'll tear up. But life will eventually go on. Also, in this large of a family, we're always going to funerals, weddings, and christenings. Helps keep things in perspective just a little.

Your family is right. Get out and visit, it's life sustaining.

Pete Keillor

Reply to
Pete Keillor

Thanks for sharing, Don.

Keep doing this everyday. Many if not most of us will have a similar experience someday. It helps to know how someone else worked their way through the hard times.

Don't forget to get out and share time with friends. Even ones that grow apples and like to shoot big guns.

Karl

Reply to
Karl Townsend

This is a helluva step change to deal with. Very nearly the worst.

You are on the 'high amplitude' end of the damped emotional wave.

From what I've read, your family is very supportive and continues to reduce the number and severity of rough days. That is a huge deal, as you know.

It's much better to heal well than to heal instantly.

--Winston

Reply to
Winston

My feet sweat a lot so I have leaky shoes/boots, too. I'm better off for the most part, but I try to hit those soggy areas last, not first, so I'm not walking in soggy socks all day.

Goodonya, mate.

Not just -for- them, WITH them, Don. They're hurting a lot, too.

Good. I'm glad you worked through that self-destructive crap and that you know you're loved and would be severely missed (by family and friends), especially right now, while you're all grieving and healing.

Who loves ya, kid? (And it's not like you're the only OT poster here)

-- From the Book of Aussie Bush Etiquette:

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

Reply to
Larry Jaques

Depressing... Wallowing in self-pity helps you none and me even less. SUCK IT UP and MOVE ON. Do some metalworking for @#$@ sake!!! Post about that.

Reply to
mike

That is some real manly advice just like "Red" Foreman of "That 70's Show" would give!

joejones

Reply to
Joe

Mike, You sound pretty selfish! Must be under 30?

Reply to
Bill

Why don't you go stick your head in a 20 ton press? Maybe it'll straighten out that rusty steel plate in your head.

Reply to
Michael A. Terrell

Apparently your reading comprehension is sadly lacking , or you haven't bothered reading Don's posts since the death of his beloved wife . His attitude is anything BUT self-pity , and from my point of view , he has weathered his loss a lot better than most . I hope I have his strength if my wife goes first . -- Snag Learning keeps you young !

Reply to
Snag

I like that!

Harold

Reply to
Harold & Susan Vordos

Roger that! See you tomorrow -- uh, later this morning. Thanks for inviting me along. I'm looking forward to it.

Reply to
Don Foreman

Please feel free to plonk me and my posts.

Reply to
Don Foreman

Fra: "Don Foreman" Emne: Way OT: continuing saga of life after loss of lifemate Dato: 8. april 2011 09:43

And there will be more to come. Remember: A solar watch counts only the light hours :-)

Just think about what you will be missing if you go down that road.

Glad to hear that!

:-)

And if I can't stand it any longer I will let you know or just ignore it. But that is NOT an option right now :-) From my point of view: Feel free to write, I learn from your writing!

Reply to
Uffe Bærentsen

There's OT and there's OT. If writing gives you any small degree of relief, we are right here on the other side of your screen.

Kevin Gallimore

Reply to
axolotl

Here, Here. It's really great that Don can express his loss and recovery here, my heart goes out to him.

Take care Don. I wish you all the best, John.

Reply to
Machinist60

If what I write makes you uncomfortable, don't read my posts that are clearly labelled as OT.

Reply to
Don Foreman

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