[OT Humour for you Americans to note Please]


To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

  1. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

  1. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.

It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

  1. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

  1. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

  2. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

  1. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

  2. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

  1. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

  2. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

  1. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

  2. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last
1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

  1. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly /US gallon - get used to it).

  2. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

  1. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

  2. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation

Group Heretic.

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Well to the British Twit who wrote this it is with great regards for your country that I must with gusto refuse. If if wasn't for the United Staes of America you would all be speaking German right now. The only time in modern history that the British won any form of conflict was against a fourth rate South American military and even then you could not have done that without our help. I am of course speaking of the rapid delivery of Sidewinder missles from out President to your PM the Iron Lady herself. I was very proud that we could assist you in this time of trouble but I see now that it may have been short sighted on my part. And in further discussion they are not now nor were they ever called chips here.

Reply to

You guys fell for this troll almost as badly when Jerry Irvine cluelessly posted a huge point-by-point reply to a computer generated complaint about him.


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It's at least 4 years old. And I would not be surprised if some of it existed before then.

Hmmmm, this sounds too familiar. Yep, google found it. It was posted in RMR on November 19th, 2000. By no less than Neil Tarasoff.

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He didn't write it though, it was posted in lots of groups by other people.

- George Gassaway

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I believe it might have been written by John Cleese, however that is not confirmed.

Its just very funny from this side of the ponds perspective.

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I think you may have missed the humorous intent... but I'll enter your world long enough to say if England still had her colonies, I doubt even that Austrian lunatic would have dared to offer any language lessons.

As for me, the past few elections have lead me to publicly wonder if the Queen would have us back...

Reply to
Scott Schuckert

German right now.

And if it wasn't for all of our allies, we'd be speaking German too. We didn't win that war alone.

Mario Perdue NAR #22012 Sr. L2 for email drop the planet

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"X-ray-Delta-One, this is Mission Control, two-one-five-six, transmission concluded."

Reply to
Mario Perdue

Never fear, it's quite funny from the perspective on this side of the pond as well: The thought that Tony Blair, a man who has to send off Diplomatic Communiques to Washington on a daily basis for permission to visit the toilet, would appoint anything /for/ U.S. is precious beyond words.



-- Cogito ergo bibo

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I was amused by the post as well, but in the US nobody thinks Tony Blair asks permission from Bush for anything.


Reply to
Jerry Irvine


Good point George. I think Neil is still among us. ; )

America has no greater ally than Britain, Britain has no greater ally than the U.S. and no one will be allowed to drive a wedge between the two.

Ow's about a spot of tea, ay?


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Reply to
Jeff Grey

To be fair he is not being bashed. His words are.

Reply to
Jerry Irvine

Me thinks that Nitram might be a little too anally retentive to understand the subject line ie OT Humour...I have just reliased the problem. I left the U in Humour....try this Humor, Now do you understand Nitram or is that still to hard for your.

Group Heretic ( whom most of you already know is Oztralian in Oztralia , and no I do not know Steve "crikey" Irwin In fact I think he is a twit!)

Reply to

What about Paul Hogan?

Reply to
Dave Grayvis

Hey, Steve Irwin rocks!

Reply to

Hey, if we were paying $6 a gallon (instead of somewhere between $2 and $3 as at present), we might be a lot farther from "running out of oil" because it was being sold so cheap that supply development failed to keep up with demands.

It's not like we'll "run out" all at once, in any case... it's more a question of having to work harder to obtain it: and in some cases we will need to spend the effort to figure out how to actually retrieve oil from deposits that we have damaged by over-use of aggressive production methods... there are places where so much high-pressure water has been pumped in over the years, to try to drive out the oil, that the oil wells are now delivering mostly water even though there is still much oil remaining below ground. Figuring out how to go back and extract it evidently isn't considered worthwile under present production economics, but that could change under different supply/demand circumstances.

We, our culture, have oddly schizoid notions about gasoline: on the one hand, we recognize it as a manufactured product, sold in commerce on the open market, and yet we object to the manufacturers charging what the market will bear, on the grounds that "it's Energy", which evidently means (to many people) that "the government is supposed to make it stay cheap" or something.

-dave w

Reply to
David Weinshenker

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