Airplane Humor

No Trolls, Not intended to offend anyone Not Political. Just funny. Bill

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ...I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing! (Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

From an old carrier sailor - Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Shit!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron operations desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but surely someone who's been there)

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

Reply to
Bill
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Bill,

Excellent list! --

Jim L.

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Using - Virtual Access(OLR), ZAP 4.5, & WinXP Pro w/SP1

Reply to
Jim Lilly

Heh! Heh! Great! Keep them coming!

Reply to
C.O.Jones

Controllers and Pilots conversations that passengers normally don't hear... The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world: While taxiing at LaGuardia the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

----- The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."

----- A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

Reply to
Andrew NIELSEN

Those were even better, thanks :).

I'll give you one that my father, sadly, tells repeatedly (and or course laughs louder than everyone else DURING the punchline...)

Supposedly on the Merv Griffin show in the mid 70's Merv had a special guest on... "Ladies and gentleman, I'd like to introduce to you the only man living man who was an ace fighter pilot in 3 wars. Please welcome Ole Gunnar Jorgenson everybody!" To much applause an ancient and decrepit aviator, wearing a bomber jacket with a myriad of insignia, walked slowly out onto the stage with the help of a cane and a production assistant. The old man sat down, folded his hands over the top of his cane and looked at Merv. Merv spoke up, "Mr. Jorgensen, it is a great pleasure to have you here today, I take it that you were a pilot in not just World War I, but in the Spanish Civil War as well." The old man replied in a VERY heavy Swedish accent, "Aye, mr. Griffin, I was an ace in World War I, an ace in the Spanish Civil War, and an ace in World War II..." Merv replied, "That is AMAZING Mr. Jorgensen, simply amazing. Was there any time in particular where you thought your life was truling in danger, where you found yourself in deep, deep trouble?" The audience leaned forward in there chairs, and Merv listened attentively as Mr Jorgensen replied "Aye, Mr. Griffen, there was this one time when I was on an early patrol, and suddenly out of the sky these three fokkers dove from the..." Mr Jorgensen was interrupted by an enormous peal of laughter from all of the audience members and Merv had to stand up and say "Please, please! People, please remember that in World War I there was a german plane called the Fokker. Please, (chuckling) calm down." but Mr. Jorgensen replied, "Aye, Mr. Griffen, there was, but this was World War II and these three fokkers were flying messerschmitts!"

WTH;)

Reply to
WTH

A few more.....

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

Tower: Cessna N1234, be advised wake turbulence - UA 737. [pause] Cessna: San Jose tower be advised the Cessna is ahead of the 737. [longer pause] Tower: UA 737, be advised wake turbulence Cessna 172. Someone: Giggles and laughter in background.

ABC: London tower this is alpha bravo charlie on short final 33. TWR: Alpha bravo charlie, negative visual contact pull up go around. IABC: London tower this is alpha bravo charlie on short final 33. TWR: Negative visual contact pull up and go around. ABC: London tower this is alpha bravo charlie on short final 33. TWR: Negative visual contact pull up and go around. ABC: Well look out you window, I'm right bloody in front of you! Tower came back very cool and collected. TWR: Alpha bravo charlie look down into the centre of the runway pattern. Do you see a big white radar dome? ABC: err....negative visual on dome tower. TWR: That's because you're not over London. You're over Waterloo-Wellington

50 miles north-east of my position. Waterloo-Wellington tower frequency is 125.00. I think they would like to talk to you.

DCA Clearance delivery responded to a request for an IFR clearance with a rapid-fire clearance that went on and on, with various VORs, fixes, altitudes, etc. After a pause, a voice came back, in a slow Texas drawl, "OK, now why don't ya'll say that again, real slow, as if it mattered."

Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause) Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!" (pause) Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!" Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"

Reply to
Frederick Witt

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