That isn't how spouse loss grief works for either men or women. Denial doesn't work, Grief needs to be done and it takes as long as it takes. Dealing with and processing the grief requires facing the pain and dlealing with it. Denial and/or advoidance is not "manning up" , it's 's cowadlryl avioidance by denial.
Tough s*it if reading about it is more than you can cope with. You can simply stop reading.
I've been there. When the going gets tough friends that only tell you what you want to hear are a dime a dozen. Save your rationlizations for them.
I didn't tell you to deny anything. Denying depression is the real dead end.
You're too old to wait for as long as it takes. Wallowing has a way of accelerating decrepitness that further feeds the wallowing.
If you believe you're in some kind of battle then the main thing to face is that you're losing. The time has come to quit overthinking and simply accept.
I have a friend that's 74 and 7 months a widow. She still cracks up occasionally talking about her husband who was one hell of a guy. Yet she's travelling the country by herself in a motorhome visiting old friends and making new ones. You'd have me believe she's in denial. I know she's not and that you'd do well to be half as "cowardly" as her. When she talks about her loss she sounds like a well adjusted adult. The vibe I'm getting from descriptions of your new life is that you could give lessons to the type of teenage girls that feed each others angst and tell themselves it's support.
Your comments about losing most interest and not wanting to get out of bed rang some alarm bells. I hope the quality of your friends is such that by now I'm not the first to tell you what your bootstraps are for. Did you tell them how you know better like you're doing here? Oh well, they'll switch to the easier path sooner or later.
The grieving that don't already have satisfying hobbies tend to make grief their main hobby. That's understandable for a few months. I'm not surprised that it's tough to get out of bed when most of what you have to look forward to is more navel gazing. I accept that some just aren't capable of turning the corner or to see it in the distance. Overindulgence in grief isn't that much different than it is for food or booze or drugs. It's your choice to shape up or continue down the wallow road.
AMEN!!! I have started to email you many times to see how you were doing, but I stopped because I didn't want to intrude. I figured that you'll be back when you're ready, but you are sorely missed on the group. Take care of yourself and ignore the idiots as you deal with it in your own way and in your own time. Compared to the people around here that lost a soul mate you are doing well. One woman was doing fine till her husband died. Within a few months she was a complete basket case. She completely lost her short term memory, and most of anything within the previous ten years. She lived two doors down, and had to be introduced to me every time I saw her. She simply couldn't remember me, even though we had been neighbors for over three years. Others crawl into a bottle, or don't take care of themselves. They rarely last more than a few months. It's really sad, but I am in a area full of retirees, with a lot in their 70s or 80s so it happens quite often. Keep working on it your way, it appears to be working for you and that's all that matters. :)
Don, if you haven't figured it out yet, this person is a troll.
Ignore it.
-- It is characteristic of all deep human problems that they are not to be approached without some humor and some bewilderment. -- Freeman Dyson
Thanks, Larry!
Your points are noted and appreciated.
You say you've been there: have you lost a beloved spouse and soulmate? I've lost parents and a child, those losses were nothing like the loss of my soulmate Mary.
I had a really good day today: attended a really excellent concert, then had dinner with my son and his S.O. who attended the concert with me.
Tomorrow is is my "graduation" from square dance lessons. There are
68 calls in mainstream square dancing. I have most of them in muscle memory, but not all. There is NO time to think, one must just react and often even anticipate.It's fun. It's a good group, we're all there to have fun. The experienced dancers ("angels") are very helpful in pointing or even hauling my befuddled arse thru a call so our square can keep dancing rather than have to re-form and wait for the caller to recognize that.
It is a lot of fun.
My new friend A will be there, new as in since Mary's death but our friendship began last summer. She was widowed three weeks before I was. She's been a member of that club for decades, with two previous hubs, and she is well-loved. We've kept our friendship under the radar thus far, I'm OK with that. She is occasionally my partner (and angel) but considerably less than half the time. I have no problem finding willing partners.
A and I have fromed the custom of having dinner and wine after square dance lessons, since she doesn't like to eat before dancing. Now that lessons are done we'll need to discover how we might continue. That won't be a problem.
A had a rough day yesterday, so did I. It happens. We communicate and support each other. That's what friends do. It's far from wallowing, I am inspired by her courage. We keep on keeping on.
Hang in there Don. Everyone has different ideas of what they need, you found it once, you may find it again. Meanwhile you meet those that are also seeking, maybe you only serve to bring some temporary joy to them, but it is joy, a reason to go on. A good purpose.
I wish you sucess in your search,
Wes
it once, you
Thanks, Wes! One day at a time!
it once, you
only serve
And one week at a time, when you're ready. :)
Leroy that!
Jeff
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