I just noticed that the new version of "Great Model Railroads" has an article suggesting that you give your model railroad a history, and it reminded me that I once did exactly that; so long ago that the railroad in question no longer exists except for a few remaining locos and cars still lettered for the Sarcophagus & Macabre, otherwise know as the "Good Old S & M".
Herewith a reasonable reproduction of a handout once supplied to unsuspecting visitors by our crack P.R. team, headed by T. P. Barnham, former Chamber of Commerce Chairman for lovely Folsom, California
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RIDE THE FABULOUS SARCOPHAGUS & MACABRE RAILWAY!
(A vacation paradise for the determined railfan!)
Linking the wharves and warehouses of Port Macabre to the mines and timberlands of quaint Sarcophagus, the rails of the S & M pass through the scenic back-country of California's Mother Lode. Every year tourists flock to to our area by the tens, drawn by the rumors of excitement.
They are never disappointed! Our railway is everything it's said to be
- and more!
It's a fact that many visitors never leave, and the few who do can testify that the lives to which they return seem dull in comparison to the heart-stopping action they discovered on our personable road! So if you -as a railfan- are looking to expand your horizons to the ultimate, consider the scenic S & M! Where else can you find all of these features on one short pike?
***Port Macabre, gateway to downtown Stockton, is both the western terminus of the line and an iconic collector's item in and of itself! Whether in the malarial swamplands to the east or the toxic waste dump to the east, you'll find large parcels of land available at temptingly low prices! If you'd seek a more central location, just ask. Most homeowners are willing to surrender their property for the price of a one-way ticket out of town.
Those seeking business opportunities will discover that there is no shortage of willing workers in Macabre. In fact, you'll find that most citizens are for hire and will do anything for the right price. Indeed, the array of talents and skills available in Macabre is nothing short of startling!
Those with an eye to the afterlife will find that Port Macabre calls itself home to many well-known cults, and also to several others that are *not* in evidence elsewhere. Most of these are open to passengers who wish to ensure a safe ride to Sarcophagus, and many also allow - nay, *require*- audiance participation. The services tend to be short, as are the screams of those selected for sacrifice.
Our warves and warehouses in Macabre are busy from dusk 'til dawn, handling a range of imports that you may have been told were unavailable or even *illegal* in other locations. Shipping arrives and departs on a schedule almost as surprising as the frequent Coast Guard, Border Patrol, and DEA raids that provide much merriment for docksiders!
***The S & M itself is unique, having been built from both ends towards the middle. Due to an unfortunate lapse in communications, it was built in standard gauge east from Macabre and in 3' narrow gauge west from Sarcophagus. Fortunately, the only bar within a hundred miles was located in Macabre; resulting in a railroad with less than fifty yards of standard gauge and well over seventy miles of 3' rail.
The sophisticated railfan will revel in the plush rococo leather of our wonderful old trussrod business car, but alas, the business car is standard gauge, and those wishing to actually ride the railroad must climb aboard one of our condemned boxcars or enjoy the fresh air in an ore jenny or on a log bunk. (Brake clubs are supplied, as are blindfolds for the faint of heart.)
Quaint customs abound on the picturesque S & M! "Rule G" -that draconian anti-drinking shibboleth of other roads- is not even a rumor on our rails! In fact, few of our employees can be induced to climb aboard unless they're at least *slightly* tipsy!
Photo opportunities await as the train slows for the spectacular Breakneck Creek Trestle and the crew dismounts to follow the train across the structure on foot. (Passengers may invest in the crew's Daily Derailment Betting Pool at any point prior to the trestle. Not afterwards.)
***Most short lines terminate in uninteresting places, but not the fabulous S & M! Bustling Sarcophagus is a town with *real* night life! In fact, many of it's citizens exist for the night-life to the extent that you seldom see them by light of day. Chancre Street alone offers a wide array of entertainment, ranging from the elegant Sarcophagus house to the more esoteric pleasures of Mister Leather's Bar and Grill ("We Never Close"). Children are always popular in friendly Sarcophagus, and you may well receive several offers for yours!
We know that many folks -and thier wives- flinch at the cost of a rail- fanning trip, but be assured! A man of moderate means is a wealthy man by Sarcophagus standards, and will be treated as such by it's inhabitants. Envious eyes will follow your passing, and people will note your movements and customs with flattering attentiveness! Which brings us to a word about crime...
***You have probably heard rumors -and quite possibly frantic news bulletins- about the crime rates in Sarcophagus. Well, there *were* some problems in the past, but that's all behind us now. You need not look beyond the standing-room-only crowds that attend the daily firing squads to realize that support for law and order is at an all-time high! (And since silencers were made mandatory over a year ago, your uninterrupted sleep will be assured!)
***In summary; a trip on the fabulous S & M will take you to places that you never *dreamed* might exist! Why even our worst critics admit that the S & M is a railroad with "nowhere to go but up"!
(NOTE: The cholera outbreak has been almost *completely* contained now, and you need not concern yourselves so long as you stay well clear of public restrooms.)