Know Your Tools

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the work bench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to
say, "Ouch..."
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
6. VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside abrake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Morgan to the ground after
you have installed your new front brake setup, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the front bumper.
9. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a Morgan upward
off a hydraulic jack.
10. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
11. GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading
mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.
12. STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times
harder than any known drill bit.
13. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
14. ? " x 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.
15. ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from
a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
16. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
17. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Gary Indiana, and snaps
them off.
18. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
19. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
20. HAMMER:OR "IRISH MICROMETER": Use as an alternative to buying dark
nail varnishes. Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not
far from the object we are trying to hit.
21. STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on boxes containing seats and flying jackets.
22. WIRE STRIPPER: A tool designed to cut through the wire core, leaving
it 1/2 inch too short (see hose cutter)!
Reply to
Ted Bennett
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COMBINATION WRENCH A tool used to remove the skin form knuckles while not destroying or Stripping the accociated nuts or bolts. (Warm up tool for pliers or vice grip)
Reply to
Brent Philion

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