tool definitions

i always suspected that there was some missing element to what was thought
in shop class... and this may be it.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls
and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has
an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few
hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-
and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last overtightened 58 years ago by someone, and neatly rounds off
their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far
from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool
that you will need.
GREASE GUN: A device used unsuccessfully to force grease into rusty,
plugged up grease fittings. When not in use this device meters a steady
drip of oil onto the surface beneath it and mysteriously weeps a coat of
grease onto its outer surface, no matter how thoroughly it was cleaned
before it was put away.
SNAP RING PLIERS: A tool typically used to remove or install circular
clips from shafts and bores and launch them across the shop or into a
gravel driveway
CHANNEL LOCK PLIERS: A tool whose primary purpose is to create large
painful blood blisters on the palms of your hands while simultaneously
rounding the heads off of bolts. Secondary use: See DAMMIT TOOL
i think i could add a few more:
WELDING HELMET: a cleverly designed device which allows molten metal beads
to accumulate on ones face and glasses.
CRESCENT WRENCH: a dual purpose device used to rounding off bolts AND
mashing knuckles simultaneously.
MICROMETER: see C-clamp
OHMMETER: holder for dead batteries
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A few of mine:
OHMMETER - one-shot mains tester. TORCH - hammer with nice tinkling sound effect. EMERGENCY OFF BUTTON - normal off button. INSTRUCTION BOOK - dunce's cap. Megger - apprentices' sense of humour tester. Toolbox - last place to look. Soldering Iron - printed circuit track remover. Shrink wrap tubing - Boob Tube, good for the beach.. Heat Shrink tubing - Boob Tube, too long on the beach.. Vice - large socket wrench Sheet bender - batchelor with no washing machine. Small flat blade screwdirver - Phillips screwdriver. Jigsaw - random shape generator. Propane gas cylinder - One-shot fire extinguisher.
oh, that's where I came in...
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