The first of the New Year

OK, copied from elsewhere, but Oh, how true these descriptions are!!
Happy New Year
Peter
#>DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
#metal bars out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.
#>
#>WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light.
#>
#>ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes but also handy for drilling holes in the wrong place.
#>
#>PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
#>
#>HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
#principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
#>
#>VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
#>
#>OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
#>
#>BRITISH STANDARD WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating
that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
#>
#>HYDRAULIC JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after
#you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.
#>
#>EIGHT-FOOT LONG 4X2 TIMBER: Used for levering a car upward
#off a hydraulic jack handle.
#>
#>TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
#>
#>E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
#>
#>TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength of
#everything you forgot to disconnect.
#>
#>1/2" x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an
#accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
#>
#>PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
#paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be
#used,as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
#>
#>AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
#power station 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
#travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
last over-tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford and neatly rounds
off their heads.
#>
#>PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
#>
#>HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
#used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not
far from the object we are trying to hit.
#>
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puffernutter
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