Tools Explained

Tools Explained
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of
your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the
corner where nothing could get to it.
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with
the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from
fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh*t!"
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major
refinishing jobs.
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ... It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm
of your hand.
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you
want to remove a bearing race.
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new
brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum
sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut
on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws
into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to
remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
A tool used to make hoses too short.
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of
divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are
trying to hit usually smashing the thumb that is holding the object that you are
trying to pound into whatever it is that you are working on effectively
eliminating the need for manicure care on that thumbnail for weeks. See: Son
of a b*
tch TOOL
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to
your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and
rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
while in use.
Son of a b*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of
a b*
tch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that
you will need.
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ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes but also handy for drilling holes in the wrong place.
BRITISH STANDARD WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG 4X2 TIMBER: Used for levering a car upward off a trapped jack handle.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal- burning power station 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford and neatly rounds off their heads.
1/2" x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
Additional translations of common workshop phrases:
Look out................You're about to die oops ....................You have died Oh no ..................Lots of you have died Oh Sh*t ...............You've died and have broken my best tool.
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