Shop tools

Please do not use any of the tools below while reading this. I am not responsible for any accidents. Read at your own risk. Please sit down
now or you might fall over.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Son of a b*tch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a ****" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
r
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Must send this on to alt.home.repair & rec.woodworking.
On 10/31/2009 4:49 PM Rich spake thus:

--
Who needs a junta or a dictatorship when you have a Congress
blowing Wall Street, using the media as a condom?
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Like clockwork, about every 18 months...
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wrote:

I saw it HERE about 3 months ago.
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wrote:

Which is why crossposting is rarely a good idea. It has never appeared HERE.
We're likely both right-- but neither of us knows where 'HERE' is for the other.
Jim
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Leon wrote:

Piss off it's still funny.
Jon
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[most of the funny deleted]

Oh man I hate that thing. I can't count how many parts that just needed a little touching up ended up bouncing off a wall because I pushed just a *little* too hard. See also stationary belt sander (aka, the conveyor belt to hell) and grinding wheel. *
--
* PV Something like badgers, something like lizards, and something
like corkscrews.
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the worst tool I always found was the 1/2" pneumatic drill. no matter how hard you try you end up flung on the other side of the room after the bit grabs
writes:

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You should try the 1" pneumatic drill, it can throw 3 guys across the room and break the 3/4" bit all at the same time.
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On Sun, 01 Nov 2009 21:55:27 -0600, Hudson Leighton wrote:

And a pneumatic jack-hammer, used lying sideways in a crawl space to cut a pipe chase through an inside foundation wall, can push you right back faster than it pushes the bit into the concrete.
--
Steve

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wrote:

that sound awesome, I wonder why it couldn't be an Olympic sport
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