How to Tell Model Railroaders from the Apes

The other day I picked up my dog eared copy of Will Cuppy's "How To Tell
Your Friends From The Apes" because sometimes I need a quick refresher
course so I can sort out my neighbors. Then I got to thinking about us as
Model Railroaders and that to some folks it might be hard to tell the
To the uninitiated observer watching a bunch of Model Railroaders in a
hobby shop full of trains is just like watching a bunch of monkeys going
ballistic in a cage full of fruit. Seeing a large group of Model Railroaders
at a train show is like watching an enormous frenzied concentration of
chimps in the wild. A Model Railroader will snatch up and purchase a coveted
item then go off buy himself and look at it quizzically exactly like a
baboon will do when he finds a pretty rock. If one did not notice the money
exchange hands how could he tell the Model Railroader from the baboon? So
from my own experience and observations here are some ways people can tell
us from the apes.
1. When a Model Railroader is dangling from the ceiling just like an ape
from his cage it is not because he is an ape, it is because his step ladder
fell over while he was installing his valance.
2. When something hits a monkey on the head from above the monkey is
frightened and confused. The Model Railroader knows that it was the light
fixture he thought was secure on both ends.
3. When he smells something burning an ape will screech and run away. When a
Model Railroader smells something burning he will screech but knows he just
fried his favorite locomotive.
4. While taking a break for a beverage and a snack an ape will sit down and
indulge himself blissfully with a stupid look on his face. The Model
Railroader does exactly the same thing but he usually has his pants on.
5. Female apes will hit their male partners with a stick to get their
attention. Model Railroaders wives hit their partners with a fly swatter to
get their attention.
6. If given some sticks of wood or plastic apes will break them up in to
smaller pieces. Model railroads will do just the same but will then try to
glue them back together.
7. An ape will look at a shinny object with wonder. A model railroader will
first paint it a flat dull color and then look at with wonder.
8. When an ape hammers at a rock he does not know exactly why he is doing
it. When a model Railroader hammers at rock be he thinks is making cheap
9. When an ape hops up and down on one foot while screaming its because he
stepped on a burr. When a Model Railroader hops up and down on one foot
while screaming it because he dropped a drill on his foot.
10. Apes never read instructions before starting a project. Neither do Model
Railroaders but they do read them later to find out what went wrong.
Reply to
Bruce Favinger
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Bruce, Is it possible that you have too much free time? Would you like to do a clinic on your ideas at our upcoming June show
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? Just funnin' ya!!! HZ
Reply to
Howard Zane
Howard, I'd love to participate but I have so many book signings coming up for my newest tile "How To Be Ridiculous Without Shame" that I don't know if can fit it in. :) Bruce
Reply to
Bruce Favinger
Bruce!!! I'm going to have to sue you for definition of character. It might be a class action suit since it describes so many of us. Thanks for the laugh. Now you will need to buy me a new keyboard, since I snorted Pepsi out my nose when I was reading this.
Bruce Fav> The other day I picked up my dog eared copy of Will Cuppy's "How
Reply to
Frank A. Rosenbaum
11. If an ape is hanging upside down making loud angry noises, he's trying to scare away intruders. If a Model Railroader is hanging upside down making loud angry noises, he's just trying to trace an obscure electrical fault underneath his layout.
Reply to
Lt. Kizhe Catson

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