OT - humour

Exactly where is this hotel

In the town of Jeopardy - you know, the place they're always saying where all the jobs are.

regards,

Kim Siddorn.

At a company where I worked an embarrasing wrong number almost ended up with a VIP being booked into the "Shangrila Massage Parlour" for the night.

John

And a little more, some ancient, some modern - should appeal to a number of this audience!

regards,

Kim Siddorn.

Rules of flying ...........................

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'

landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival.

Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.

Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's a law not subject to appeal.

The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

Finally a couple of silly stories about flying.

Passengers waiting for take-off watched in amazement as two men in pilots' uniforms walked through the plane toward the cockpit. Both wore black glasses, one of them led by a guide dog, the other tapping his way with a white stick. The passengers laughed nervously as the plane readied for take-off. A macabre practical joke, perhaps? Then as the plane gathered speed, they realized it was headed straight for water at the edge of the airport. Panicked screams filled the cabin, but at the last moment the plane lifted smoothly into the air.

Sheepishly the passengers relaxed into their magazines as drinks were served. Meanwhile in the cockpit the co-pilot said, "You know, Bob, one of these days they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

The flight was at altitude & drinks had been served. All was relaxed when a man in a black jump suit came into Economy from Business. The nervous passengers watched as a spaniel wearing a flack jacket started nosing around their hand luggage. The man in the jump suit settled carelessly into an empty seat & watched his canine assistant go about his work. The dog stopped what he was doing, came over, put his paw on his handler's right knee & barked once.

"Heroin in 46D rucksack" said the man into his cuff.

Off went the dog again, returning & placed his paw on the handlers left knee "WOOF!!" said the dog.

"Cocaine in 62B handbag" he intoned.

Now the dog came running back, crapped in the middle of the aisle & ran at full speed for the back of the plane.

The handler rose to follow him "Bomb in briefcase, 65D"

So why did you join the air force? Well - in the army, the officers lead their men into battle. In the navy, officers and men go into battle together. In the air force, the men wave their officers good bye.

Now you've started this thread........

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

*************************** For the boating types.

Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations,

-------------------------------------------------------------

#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

#1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

#2. This is a lighthouse. Your call.

And for the plumbers...................... A notice passed to me from a British Gas engineer

CONFIDENTIAL BRITISH GAS plc INDUSTRIAL ENGINEERING COMMITTEE TEC/87/28 TECHNICAL ADVISORY PANEL (SERVICE) TAP(S)/87/66 POSSIBLE REVISION OF IM/16 THIRD EDITION GUIDANCE NOTES ON THE INSTALLATION OF GAS PIPEWORK BOOSTERS AND COMPRESSORS IN CUSTOMERS' PREMISES- Due to the number of enquiries received from various contractors trying to work to the guidance given in IM/16, it is obvious that a certain amount of additional elucidation would be beneficial to the readers of the document, and the following points have been suggested for inclusion. All pipe is to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipes must not exceed their O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the holes will be on the outside. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that sandwiches, welding gloves, other stuff, or gas can be put inside at a later date. All pipe should be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site. Note: Some vendors are now able to supply prerusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a great deal of time on the job site. All pipe over 500 ft. (153m) in length should have the words 'Long Pipe' clearly painted on each end so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "Long Pipe" painted in the middle so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long or short pipe. All pipe over 6' (152mm) in diameter must have the words 'Large Pipe' painted on it so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle. When ordering 90 degree, 45 degree, or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify right or left hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way. Also be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the gas will flow the wrong way. All couplings should have either right or left hand threads but do not mix the threads; otherwise as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other. Members are asked to consider these suggestions and comments which, if it is felt must be made, should be given verbally. Written comments are not required at this stage. EWE /NIT

***************************

One day the MD of a large company was relaxing on holiday in Barbados when he saw his production director water skiing. Amazingly, in the towing boat were two of his engineers. "Great" called the MD, "At last production and engineering are co-operating" "Great guy, the MD" said one engineer. "Yes" agreed his colleague. "But he knows bugger all about shark fishing"

John

John

We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold. I remember "Kim Siddorn" saying something like:

A triumph of engineering stubborness over nature.

Proof positive that silk purses can be made into pigs' ears.