A SOUTHERNER'S FIRST WINTER IN THE NORTHEAST.
Aug. 1 Just moved to our new home in Massachusetts. It is so beautiful here. The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered in snow. I LOVE IT HERE!
Oct. 1 New England is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I LOVE IT HERE.
Nov. 11 Deer season will open soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity. Hope it will snow soon.
Dec. 8 5:00 PM. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered buns and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was such a beautiful sight!!!
Dec. 9 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub was covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveway and our sidewalks, then we had a snowball fight (I won). Later a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and I waived back as I shoveled it out again. What a beautiful place. Nature in perfect harmony. I LOVE IT HERE.
Dec. 19 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow guy did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland. I LOVE IT HERE.
Dec. 22 Snowed again last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I'm exhausted, and have blisters on my hands from shoveling. Damn snowplow.
Dec. 24 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. That asshole! Much of the snow is now brownish-gray.
Dec. 25 "White Christmas" my busted ass. More f****ng snow. The snowplow got stuck down the road and that shit-for-brains had the balls to come to my door and ask to borrow my shovel! I'll give him the f****ng shovel..... I chased him with it for a quarter mile.
Dec. 30 More of the white shit last night. Been inside since Christmas day except when "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere. The car is buried under a mountain of goddamn snow. Don't know why they don't use more salt on this f****ng ice. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of this shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?
Jan. 1 Happy Fucking New Year. The weatherman was wrong (AGAIN). We got 34 f****ng inches of snow this time. At this rate, it won't melt until July f****ng 4th.
Jan. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back, a deer ran out in front of the car and I hit the filthy creature. Did about $3,000.00 damage to the car. Wish the hunters could have killed them all last November.
Jan. 8 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice as the temperature dropped again. Bought studded snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145.00 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected tonight.
Jan. 12 Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4 x 4 in order to get her to work. She slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the rear quarter-panel. Had another 8 inches of white shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That mother f****ng snowplow came by twice today.
Jan. 13 It's 2 degrees outside. More f***in' snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to get the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on the way to the emergency room and was totaled. Finished the trip in an ambulance.
Jan. 14 Goddamn mother-f***in' white shit keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the f***in' mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 MPH and buries our driveway again! Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.
Jan. 15 6 goddamn more f***in' inches of f***in' snow and f***in' sleet and f***in' ice and god knows what other kind of white f***in' shit fell again last night. I wounded the f***in' snowplow asshole with an ice ax but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow-blind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill -22 f***in' degrees.
Feb. 10 Took the car to the garage in town today. Would you believe the body is rotting away from all the f****ng salt they keep dumping all over the roads. It really looks like a piece of rusting shit. "Alternate transportation" in this goddamn state is a f****ng Snow-Cat.
Mar. 12 March winds my f****ng ass. It's a f****ng white-out. They're calling it the "Blizzard of '96". Can't see the f****ng porch for the blowing goddamn snow. It took out the TV antenna and I'm getting Cabin Fever. Fuck this, I'm moving to the south again.
Mar. 20 Moved to Florida today. I can't imagine why anyone in their right f****ng mind would want to live in that God-forsaken State of Massachusetts. I LOVE IT HERE.
Damn! Something just bit me!..........