To All Staff Regarding Bad Language TO ALL STAFF REGARDING BAD LANGUAGE
It has been brought to the management's attention that some individuals have been using foul and abusive language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some of the more sensitive staff, this type of language can no longer be tolerated.
However, the management realizes the importance of staff being able to express their feelings when communicating with other employees. To this end, our Human Resources department have compiled a list of code phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offence to our more easily offended employees. The phrases are as follows:
OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE
Absolutely no f*cking chance I'm fairly sure that's not feasible
You lying sh*t Are you quite sure about that?
Tell someone who gives a f*ck Have you informed the management about that?
It's got f*ck all to do with me I don't think I was involved in that project
Shove a brush up my a*se and I'll sweep the f*cking floor as well Would you like me to do that for you as well?
Am I the only tw*t here Would someone else care to answer the telephone
You haven't got a f*cking clue Perhaps you need a little more training in this
This place has gone to rat sh*t The office is looking a little untidy
Eat sh*t and die mother f*cker I think I told you this would happen
You over paid sh*t for brains You're my boss and I respect that
F*ck off smart ar*e Well-done
She's a ball-busting b*tch She's a full time career woman
Get out of my face, dog breath I don't think I require your assistance
Raving f*cking a*se bandit He's very much in touch with his feminine side
Boy, are you in the sh*t Does the boss know about this?
Kiss my f*cking a*se I'd rather not if you don't mind
Who the f*ck are you? Are you new here?
No f*cker told me I wasn't given that piece of information
What sort of clueless f*ck wit are you? You haven't done this before, have you?
You've made a right c*ck-up of that It's the sort of mistake anyone could make
I'm dying for a sh*t I'm going to wash my hands
It's f*cked It's broken but I think I can fix it
It's completely f*cked It's broken beyond repair
F*ck off I'd like to be alone for a while if you don't mind
F*ck off you tw*t You are a very rude man