How about these?
"I never lie"
"I never lie"
"I lied about who I was and how old I was"
"I can say with a clear conscience that I dont lie. And I dont. Ive made a point of it for most of my life. Ever since I discovered its far far to difficult to remember which lies one tells which person and it comes back and bites you in the ass."
It is well-decided. You contradict yourself constantly because you haven't a hope in hell of remembering all your lies, much less making them match one another.
No. Your life is well documented thanks to your need to build yourself up by telling crazy stories, which attracts derision. Which "forced" you to tell more lies about having your detractors killed, motivating some of them to hose you down with reality in the form of irrefutable documentation. You tried to lie that away as well, and so here you are. You're too small and stupid to take your medicine, and for whatever bizarre reason you imagining that telling new lies can clean up the mess the old ones created.
Just as Dorothy's escape from Oz had always been a few heel clicks away, so is your escape from poverty.
You've admitted you need proper employment. And you said the Wieber Cliff notes are "a pretty good listing of my accomplishments"
So print out the Cliff Notes, pick a place of employment, slap those pages down on the boss's desk and proclaim "here's a pretty good listing of my accomplishments."