OT: For all you Tim the Tool man Taylors out there

Anyone with equivalent modeling tool definitions out there? :-)
For all you guys who enjoy working in your shop.
For those who may not be familiar with the functions of all these tools and
for those that have used them:
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the work bench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to
say, "Ouch..."
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
6. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after
you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the front fender.
9. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward
off a hydraulic jack.
10. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
11. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.
12. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
13. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
14. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.
15. ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a
car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
16. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
17. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
last tightened 40 years ago by someone in, and rounds them off.
18. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
19. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
20. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit.
21. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
Reply to
Robert Bartolacci
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I have another name for a 3lb shop hammer, P.M.I., precision modification instrument. How about the redneck socket set, a big crescent wrench. Don't forget the lesbian cutters aka dikes.
Robert Bartolacci wrote:
Reply to
A device you set up yourself while you work indoors and then you proceed to balance as many Big Heavy Cordless Power Tools as you can across them..
Next you watch helplessly as they seem to randomly drop off one at a time and crack the very Expensive Tazzo Floor Tiles you've just cemented in place :)
... Carl ..........
Reply to
cyberborg 4000
snipped-for-privacy@provide.net (Robert Bartolacci) wrote in :
Dremel rotary tool The chain saw of modeling tools. Used to melt plastic, or to fling parts across the room and into the carpet at light speed. Also useful for removing cyanoacrylate glue from fingers.
Razor saw For removing parts that seem unnecessary, but ultimate prove to be essential.
Tweezers Used for prying open paint tins, and for flinging parts across the room and into the carpet.
Scalpel Theoretically, this is used for cutting parts. In practice, the blade will either break on first use, or be too blunt to cut anything. Can be used to stir paint.
Cyanoacrylate glue For glueing fingers, eyelids and other body parts together. When used with accellerant: for glueing delicate parts into the wrong place.
Clamp For deforming large parts beyond use.
Paint brush For depositing dust, plastic shavings and cat hair into fresh layers of paint.
Sandpaper For removing surface detail from parts.
Needle files For prying open paint tins, and for removing surface detail. Can also be used to stir paint.
Pliers For warping small parts, and pinching your fingers.
Paint thinner For removing fresh layers of paint. Can also be used to warp plastic. Note: when using thinner, its effect is usually the opposite of what was intended.
Assembly instructions To be ignored during the build, until you need to request replacements for the parts you lost/mangled. Will contain at least one error that won't be obvious until step 39, 'final assembly'.
Gas mask For use during airbrushing, to prevent you from noticing you've used vodka instead of paint thinner to thin your paint.
Reply to
Harro de Jong

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