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OT-Death and Dying

I have been almost completely occupied with my Father-in-law's impending death for the last six weeks or so. If someone has sent me a message and not recieved a reply that's the reason why. All the things left unsaid for years are now being said. Lots of painful things that the family has let fester. And now maybe less sincere than if adressed at the proper time. My wife is finding out how important some things are to her. The support she requires from me needs to be non-judgemental. Her father still needs to face up to some things. Not because anybody else thinks so, but because these things are still unsettled in his mind. I can see him struggling with his feelings. His ego fighting what he knows is the right thing to do. Hurt feelings abound from actions way in the past. And as if all that isn't enough, the people responsible for managing his pain are doing a terrible job. There is no excuse for depriving a dying person relief from pain. And the fear of overuse and addiction by a patient who has less than two months to live is ridiculous. As a consequence his pain level swings radically, dragging his mood along. Nurses were sent to his home to help manage his pain who didn't even know the exact nature of the opiates administered. Nurses that argued that certain drugs he was taking were completely different chemicals when they were in fact just packaged different or named different because of the difference between generic and brand names. When the information about these drugs is available on the FDA's website it is a wonder that these nurses can be so mis-informed. Fortunately the wrong information has been corrected. And it appears that starting today the pain control is finally being done correctly. Anyway, I just needed to blow off some steam. I'm not looking for sympathy. Thanks for reading. Eric

Reply to
Eric R Snow
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You might not be looking for it, bud, but you've got it from me. Went through this with my Father-in-law a while back. Bad situation for anyone to deal with.

Garrett Fulton

Reply to
gfulton

Fire them. Now. If you have medical power of attourney, you will piss them off, but getting pain control is the absolute first priority. Been there, done that. My grandfather's doctors were playing God instead of helping a terminal patient be comfortable. "more tests", my ass. Give the man a PCA pump, NOW. They refused; we removed them from his care and got real doctors who understand pain control in a terminal patient.

Sorry if this sounds angry but I'm still pissed off about it, 17 years later, and your post brought it out. I assure you that I mean to be supportive rather than attacking you but as usual I'm more blunt than diplomatic. Get him better doctors. Hospice care is fantastic.

Inexcusable that "professionals" wouldn't know what they're dealing with. Not surprising, just inexcusable. If they don't stay "smarter", do for him what you'd want done for you; get him to a place where they'll make the inevitable less painful.

Again, sorry for the tone, but this dredged up some stuff I thought I'd forgotten.

Dave Hinz

Reply to
Dave Hinz

Yet you deserve it anyway. Caring for an older relative under those situations is unbelievably trying. I did this with my mom all summer, this summer. Her outcome was fortunate, she's been home from the nursing home about a month now and her temporary illiostomy may well be reversed early next year.

Navigating the waters of the heath care industry takes more than a GPS. I think you need to be a alchemist or something to do the job.

FWIW I would say that in most cases the nurses and doctors mean well and work hard, but are often ill-informed and don't communicate well at all. With each others, and with family members as well. In all the months I was involved in this, I never really did find anyone who was mean-spirited or pretended to be something they weren't. When they didn't know, they said so.

Grace under pressure is a precious commodity. Sounds like you qualify. Good luck.

Jim

Reply to
jim rozen

My respects and sympathy for what you are going through. Been there, done that, expect to do it again someday.

Its not easy, its not fun, but Ive respect for you for doing it, none the less.

Many people simply walk away.

Respects and deepest regards

Gunner

"Pax Americana is a philosophy. Hardly an empire. Making sure other people play nice and dont kill each other (and us) off in job lots is hardly empire building, particularly when you give them self determination under "play nice" rules.

Think of it as having your older brother knock the shit out of you for torturing the cat." Gunner

Reply to
Gunner Asch

If you need anything or any "been there" advice... My sister and I pooled our resources and pulled our parents out of nursing homes 6 years ago after they convalesced from one with a broken hip and another with a spine operation. We recently made dad's passing a joyous event with some work and attitude. We learned a lot so far and would love to pass on some tricks. Be very careful of the trap that caretakers fall into that depletes health and spirit.

Reply to
Tom Gardner

He must have had good insurance.

Reply to
George

Caregivers have a litigious minefield to negotiate. You must make things crystal clear for them. That done, I've been very impressed with the level of empathy and genuine care that was provided to my rellies. There were a couple of wiseass shirkers. They're no longer employed as caregivers....

Reply to
Don Foreman

Yep me too. My mom died from cancer before she got to meet most of her grandkids.

Reply to
Dave Lyon

Best move we made! They can help you with the physical problems as well as the emotional.

Reply to
Dave Lyon

I lost my father in May, and my mother in June. I cannot strongly enough emphasize the need for hospice care. In our case were were blessed with fantastic nursing care and support staff. They took time with each family member and explained the dying process and what to expect at each stage. Caregiving is a tremendous load to carry for both the caregiver and their spouse. Take care of your spouse and don't forget to take care of yourself.

-Mike

Reply to
Michael J Panchula

Eric, you have my sympathy, and I'm glad the pain control is better now.

I've been my wife's caregiver for over a year now. Her doctor pulled her from hospice care merely because we went to *talk* to a doctor at Johns Hopkins. She's never had as good care since.

She's young (40) and has a disease that has all the doctors baffled. The better ones admit that they don't know.

I've had to quit work (not that I really minded) and we're together about 22 hours per day. The one good thing about this is that we've never been closer.

I truely hope that your father-in-law's care helps to keep him comfortable.

-- D. Jay Newman

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Reply to
D. Jay Newman

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