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Kinda Sorta O.T. - Airline Humor

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document the repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

Enjoy! P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.

Reply to
Greg Heilers
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Seen this attributed too mil pilots too... still fun everytime I read it.

Thanks Greg.

Reply to
Moi

Many, many years ago, I was in a Navy squadron operating A-4's. My rating was Aviation Ordnanceman Second Class. My home was the roof.

It was the Maintenance Officer's policy that every pilot gripe must be signed off with a repair. Meaning "cannot duplicate on ground" was 99% of the time unacceptable. We had to find something wrong, broken or, out of adjustment.

We're aboard the Tico flying around the PI. The CO returned from a gunnery hop, he was pissed. He griped his guns, claiming they wouldn't fire at all. Well I put power on the bird, checked air pressure for feeder and charging functions, inserted a couple 103 test cartridges, climbed into the cockpit and pulled the trigger, they both test fired correctly. I couldn't duplicate the problem, couldn't find anything wrong, A799. Knowing full well the MO's policy I signed off the gripe with found a part broken, replaced it, and test fired the guns. I used an imaginary part name (don't it remember now), but my sign off was accepted. QA accepted it, immediate supervisor accepted it. CO accepted it. Next gunnery hop for the aircraft the guns fired out without problems. As I reflect, that was probably pretty common in the fleet. Dick...

Reply to
Dick

Qantas have had plenty of accidents, some of them rather spectacular. They haven't had a decent fatal accident since the 1930s, maybe later if you count services in PNG

Leigh Edmonds

Reply to
Leigh Edmonds

What is a "decent fatal accident?"

Reply to
Bobby Galvez

I believe the wingnuts call these "squawks". This list has made the rounds in usenet (maybe even RMS) for a few years, though this is the first time I've seen the Qantas attribution. They're still funny though.

WmB

Reply to
WmB

I know that the airline business is very competitive but have things reached the point at which QUANTAS needs to fit IFF and Target Radar?

Gordon McLaughlin

Reply to
Gordon McLaughlin

"Gordon McLaughlin" wrote in news:4331b8ee@212.67.96.135:

Not meaning to be picky, but QANTAS is the correct spelling - it's an acronyn, not a name. The companies original name was 'Queensland and Northern Territory Aerial Sevices Limited'. Have a look here for more.

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RobG

Reply to
RobG

And as a kid....their commercials, with the little koala, were just about my favorite.

Reply to
Greg Heilers

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