OT: Cat Baths

I found this file this morning and just had to pass it on. It was dated 8/7/1997 on my computer. I marked it OT even though the Army helmets are made of steel, as are cat claws, evidently.

--snip-- Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce:

"This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait.

(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

--snip--

-- Instant Gratification Takes Too Long! -------------------------------------

Bathing the cat is not the problem.

It's getting the hair off your tongue. Dan

Old Bud wasn't the happiest bather in the world, but he never shredded anyone. Did manage to bite my wife's nose once. He made a big fuss but when all was said and done he tolerated bathing reasonably well for over 17 years.

Now Lucky is a totally different cat. She almost ENJOYS it. The little Tonkinese never fights ANYTHING, much less a bath!. She'll wimper and cry when we pick her up and head to the basement or the bathroom (only when we are going to bathe her - she KNOWS - but then she just gets down to the business of "enjoying the inevitable".

How to Bath the Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The Dog

It was indeed OT, too little use of metal and too much doing it the hard way. My method is simpler, gets the cat cleaned much better, and I don't get scratched or wet either.

Step 1; get an empty (metal) tuna can and put 1/4" of milk in it

Step 2 Put milked tuna can in Havahart (metal) trap

Step 3 when cat drinks milk & is caught in the cage, unroll the hose with a (metal) hose nozzle and safely proceed.

Step 4 Put wet cat in metal trap in the sun to dry before releasing cat.

Step 5 (optional) OT put non-metal chicken bones in cat dish about 10' in front of the trap when you release dry cat ;)

Free men own guns - www(dot)geocities(dot)com/CapitolHill/5357/

Not supposed to feed chicken bones to pets because they become sharp splinters. Uncooked ones are supposed to be ok though. These are the non-metal ones. I don't know how the metal ones do. Randy

I don't care if it is OT and I've heard most of it before, it continues to get laughter to the extreme from my both my wife and I. Owning a cat, and a smart dog, makes all of this way too real.

You can skip step 1 as the toilet will be sparkling clean anyway after the cat exits. Art

I was out in the cold today with a 14 mph winter wind coming down my back when a kitten came by and tried to get in my dead car with me. I sure felt sorry for the kitten. Even though I felt her claws going through my trousers into my legs as she tried to climb over me into the car. I was kneeling outside trying to look at the fuses on the 'transmission' hump on passenger side.

Then she jumped up into the engine compartment as I was cranking engine so I had to stop. Didn't want to hurt her (just a guess on her, didn't look).

If I hadn't recently bought a leather sofa and lazyboy, I'd have been tempted to take the poor critter in. There should be a special place in HELL reserved for those that don't take responsiblity for their pets.

Wes

On Thu, 13 Dec 2007 16:46:08 -0800, with neither quill nor qualm, "Artemus" quickly quoth:

Yeah, this is what a friend wrote back this morning when I sent it to him:

--snip-- Ha! .. that's NOT how I do it :) First ya dump some shampoo in the toilet and leave the lid up. Next ya go get kitty and in one swift move dump it in and close the lid. After a few mins of screaming and splashing about in the shampoo it should be clean and you just flush to rinse. I usually flush about 3 times to be sure it is all rinsed out...wouldn't want the soap to make the little demon sick. Just before the last flush you open the door and make a clear path to the back yard. Now pop the lid and stand aside... kitty will be clean, the toilet will be clean and with any luck kitty will never be seen again.

--snip--

-- I guess they don't make import crap like they used to. --Ernie L., Usenet's Wreck.Metal group

So where did you take her?

Gunner

Well, when I got back from my club meeting she wasn't around. Since she looked like she had eaten recently maybe she found her way home. I'd like to believe that.

If she still had been here I'd have likely put her in a kitty carrier with food and water and took her to the animal shelter in the morning. Sadly for the kitty, only a place of temporary refuge before the long dirt nap, but it does give an owner a chance to look for their pet before the deed is done.

As I said, a special place in Hell should be reserved for those that don't take care of their pets.

Wes

All my animals thrive on left over chicken bones, it is their #1 favorite.

Free men own guns - www(dot)geocities(dot)com/CapitolHill/5357/

I don't know about "smart dog". Ever see 8 cats pulling a sled in the middle of winter? I didn't think so!

So you are saying that you abandoned her in the cold.

Im deeply ashamed of you.

Gunner

"Stuart & Kathryn Fields" wrote in news:VdWdneee0Oy8KfzanZ2dnUVZ snipped-for-privacy@iwvisp.com:

Dogs have Owners.

Cats have Staff.

On Fri, 14 Dec 2007 10:38:36 -0800, with neither quill nor qualm, Gunner quickly quoth:

You bloody Liberals and your animal welfare states, I swear. ;)

-------------------------------------------- -- I'm in touch with my Inner Curmudgeon. -- ============================================

The eight cats would let you freeze to death, just for the hell of it. :(

The trick is to start them off with the occasional /warm/ bath and proper dry-off as a kitten. You're the "momma", the bath really isn't that bad, and the cat accepts it.

Try that with an adult cat, and you could be in a world of hurt.

-->--