OT: Tomorrow is implant day

Don Foreman · 2009-01-21T05:35:43+00:00

Tomorrow's cardiac device implant day. I feel great, am walking 3brisk miles every day, but the docs still deemed it prudent for me tohave an ICD (implanted cardiac device, basically an automaticdefibrillator with backup pacemaking capability). No big deal. Takesabout an hour. Tonight I had to scrub my entire body with six cloths premoistenedwith some kinda super germicide. I dunno, I'm just doing as told.Mary likes to take charge, a leader sort of gal be she. We read the directions. I, of course, speedread them in 3 seconds soshe assumed I hadn't read them at all. I must say there is precedentthat would make such an assumption reasonable. In good time, Marysaid the directions said I am to scrub back and forth. Right, I readthat too. In some places I scrubbed up and down. "No no no, thedirections said back and forth!" "I AM scrubbing back and forth!""No you're not, you're scrubbing up and down." "Yeah, that's stillback and forth." "No it's not, that's up and down!" Arrrggghh. "Back and forth is a scalar descriptor. It infers reciprocatingmotion in any direction. Up-and-down, left-and-right and diagonal arevector instantiations of back-and-forth. The instructions do notcontain vector specificity." Mind you, I'm stark naked and freezingmy arse off, and whatever's on those premoistened cloths itches likehell. Meanwhile, she'd nicked my watch. "Where's my watch?" "You can'thave your watch during the procedure." "I know that, but that isn'tuntil tomorrow." "You don't need your watch tonight." "No, but Iwant my watch tonight." "Back and forth isn't up and down, is it?""Give me my goddamned watch!" It was in the bathroom drawer. We'll just doggone well see tomorrow, by golly. I said who wouldknow better how to scrub than a scrub nurse. She said even the youngchicklet receptionist would know that back and forth doesn't mean upand down. Mmm, I rather doubt that she'd care but I didn't gothere....She thinks SHE needs...