OT: If this don't cheer you up nothing will. Tower Conversations

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear.

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

Kept me in tears for along time.


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a


that had one engine shut down."Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach"


Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant.

"It took us a while to find a new pilot."


A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the


Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war"


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency


Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane.


you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.

They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."


While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,


"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?!

I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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Thanks for that, had a great time reading it!:)

Reply to

"Now that was good," Said while wiping tears from eyes! Mike G.

Reply to
Mike G.

Many thanks!!!!!!!! Loved every one!!


Reply to

made my day complete,thanks

Reply to

Same Here! I especially liked the one between BA and Frankfurt control. Mike IPMS

Reply to
Mike Keown

Indeed, that one was choice.


To reply, get the HECK out of there snipped-for-privacy@earthlink.net

Reply to

I've seen 'em before, but they're STILL funny - ta lots.


Reply to
Rob Grinberg

Hasn't the BA/Frankfurt one been determined to be an urban legend? As I'm sure many really are. Still funny.

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My godfather was in Munich one day during Oktoberfest, and someone asked if he had ever been there before. He said "last time I was here I was at 24,000 feet" with a straight face.

"Only a Gentleman can insult me, and a true Gentleman never will..."

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The message from snipped-for-privacy@webtv.net contains these words:

I like the one about the Irish Aer Lingus pilot ' Control, can oi have permission to land please' and Control came back 'we cant give you permission unless we know your exact hight and position' so the Aer Lingus pilot came back 'Oi'm five foot nine and oi'm sittin up the front'......

Reply to
Terence Lynock

Didn't see the original post. Did it include the Dallas/Fort Worth tower conversation with the SR-71?


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snipped-for-privacy@aol.com (Maiesm72) wrote in news:20040410232916.19631.00000241@mb- m10.aol.com:

No. Do tell!

Reply to
Gray Ghost

That's it.

SR-71 pilot had listened as a developing "match this" contest grew. Cessna asked to clear to 4000, corporate jet to 12,000, airliner to 18,000, etc.

SR-71 pilot requested clearance to 80,000 ft. Tower asked just how in hell do you plan to get up there? SR-71 pilot stated very flatly that he was descending to 80,000.

Sounds great when told by the pilot.


Reply to

Randy Cunningham tells some great flying stories.

My all time favorite was the night flight in a Phantom where they crept up on an airliner doing a practice intercept. Extinguishing all navigational lights they pulled up right smack on the airliner's wingtip. The rear seater then turned on a flashlight under his chin and faced the airliner. They then waited until someone noticed.

Now that could make an interesting diorama. :-)


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Here's one I know to be true! I heard it on Ch 9 of a United Airlines flight during a bumpy descent to Newark, NJ

(For those who may not know: Ch 9 on United is where you can listen to ATC...)

United Pilot: NY Approach ... United 357 Out of 1-5-thousand for 7-thousand

United Pilot: NY Approach ... United 357...

United Pilot: NY Approach ... United 357...

United Pilot: NY Approach ... Do you read?

NY Approach: I SURE DO!!! ... Top To Bottom and Left to Right!!! Things are a little busy down here right now...!

I'm sure the people around me thought I was a nut case because I'm busting a gut while everyone else was looking very white-knuckled!

Jay In AZ

Reply to
Jay Beckman

"Maiesm72" wrote

How about when the F-4 was sent on an intercept to a bogie penetrating the ADIZ from Bermuda in weather. As they appoached the target the RO was a bit slow on switching the radar range gate, such that the pilot didn't throttle back until blip on the short range scope was already at the center. After some turbulence, the pilot noticed the one drop tank missing and a rapid fuel loss from the wing tank, and radioed back: "Um, I think we hit something."

From the propeller scrapes on the lower wing and the ignition hardware, teeth, brain tissue, cabin insulation, and rudder hinge imbedded in the Phantom's wing structure, they were finally able to determine the identity of the bogie.



Reply to
Kurt Laughlin

"Kurt Laughlin" wrote in news:kpfec.29510$ snipped-for-privacy@nwrdny03.gnilink.net:

A friend of mine who used to be a cop in Norfolk, VA told a story that after this event the drug supply (heroin I think) in southern VA dried up causing much trouble. Also a fairly prominent attorney turned up missing about that time.

Things that make you say hmm.

Reply to
Gray Ghost

What year did the referenced event take place?


Reply to
Kurt Laughlin

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