Hi All,
Today in the UK is 'National Smile Week' and so my local paper (Evening News), provided us with some laughs and I've listed the aviation/military ones below, though you may have heard before:
Pilot Complaints:
P = Problem logged by pilot. S = Solution & action recorded by engineers.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.
Military Warnings (Genuine warnings written on military equipment & publications) :
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - USA Ammo Troop
"Aim towards the enemy" - Istruction printed on US rocket launcher.
"When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not our friend." - US Army.
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop.
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal.
This last lot relates to questions asked in Court, but just as good:
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year. (An old one but I still like it).
Q: Do you know if you're daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8.30pm. Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
This is my favourite: Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
A good "National Smile Week" to all ))))))
Cheers, Stephen