Some more fun quotes, by Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts):
"When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like Grandpa did, not
screaming like the passengers in his car."
"If tree could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
Maybe, if they screamed all the time for no reason."
"When a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is, 'God is crying'. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did.'"
"Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction,
mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we
"As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a
bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way."
"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? Why not the pillow? It
has more feathers than the dove, and doesn't have that dangerous beak."
"I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to
town we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad."
"When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if
they ever press charges."
"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who
makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe
"Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, we should just call them
'impressions, and if you got a different 'impression', so what? Can't
we all be brothers?"